The Possum and the Semi

(a love story)

(2-1-10)

So, in this scripted for the stage piece I’m working on the mayor of SF is killed in a
late night car accident and what is initially a great tragedy becomes sci-fi humor as
rumors from Public Safety personnel at the scene are confirmed:

Reporter, Dan’s Boys: “You’re telling me that the mayor was an android!?!”

Chief Gasbag: “Yes, it looks that way.”

Supervisor Choo-Choo: “I thought he was doing a great job!”

Supervisor Daly: “Doesn’t the Charter require you be human?”

… It goes on like that. Part of a Sunday afternoon’s musings at Tony De Renzo’s
crib over Pandora music, good smoke and a pint of Jim Beam.

But, just a lead-in to today’s Board Committee hearings.

Public Safety (10am)

Chair: D-3’s David Chiu

Vice Chair: D-5’s Ross Mirkarimi

Member: D-8’s Bevan Dufty (aka Pee Wee Herman)

Item #1 Self-assessment by Child Welfare and Juvie Probation

This has all the validity of a take-home SAT test. I mean, c’mon. I’m gonna go
out on a limb here and predict that the departments report that they are doing as well
as can be expected but that they need more money.

What should be asked? How about asking how many juveniles were reported to ICE
since the Mayor rolled over on our Sanctuary City policy? Really, controversial
ghetto gang defense attorney Eric Safire told me that most juveniles are reported to
ICE by Juvenile Probation officials who interview them before they have legal
representation. The accused simply don’t know that they don’t have to talk to the
juvie staff who quickly report them to ICE before their case ever see’s a judge.
How many times has this happened?

Item #2 Chief Gasbag’s cooked crime numbers

Steve Martin has to play George Gascon in the movie. Really, he’d nail him in an
instant. Distinguished looking and charming but uttering the most outrageously
inappropriate things while the whole town fawns over him.

For instance, a couple of weeks ago the chief told the Police Commission that they
couldn’t believe any of the numbers they’ve received from his department because their
records keeping for decades has been at least incompetent and often suspect. Then,
he takes a podium a few days ago and brags about what good numbers his department is
reporting?

Foot Patrols? Forget it under Gascon. Even though the department is fully
staffed for the first time in decades they can’t spare feet for the street. And
anyway, that’s an independent call that station captains make daily on their own.
Guess what? They can’t spare a square.

Cause they still have well over 200 officers riding desks and doing jobs that civilians
should have been doing for decades. Year after year through mayor after mayor and
chief after chief they promise to civilianize these positions and year after year they
do nothing. For example, the clerk of the Police Commission is a full lieutenant
with 30 years on the job and he’s doing a job that any competent junior college grad
could do. Hey, maybe he’s injured, I don’t know. But if he is, retire him with
the usual 85-90% of his base pay. And then hire someone who’s young enough to walk
under my Tenderloin district window.

So, the department’s records are shit by the chief’s own admission. Their
deployment is decided by what’s safest for the officers and the public be damned.
But, Chief Gasbag is ready to go to the ballot to stop the monthly Critical Mass bike
ride. Gosh, wonder how many officers on overtime that will take? How many of
Mike Hennessey’s jail cells is George willing to fill with cyclists? How many
hours will Kamala Harris and Jeff Adachi’s lawyers have to rack up trying defend and
destroy a SF tradition?

And, like the Reverend Amos Brown before him, Chief George wants to post photographs of
guys who pay for pussy and take away their wheels. Now, there’s an enlightened
approach. This in a town where over 40% of those who went to the polls voted to
de-criminalize prostitution completely. This fucker’s a real breath of fresh air.
What if the customer doesn’t drive? I guess you could take his shoes and his
MUNI pass. Yeah, I think definitely Steve Martin plays him in the movie.

Land Use (1pm)

Chair: D-10’s Sophie Maxwell

Vice Chair: D-1’s Eric Mar

Member: D-3’s David Chiu

Item #1 Interim Controls for Rincon Hill

First thing to note is that Chris Daly is not the sponsor although he is the D-6
supervisor (that’s Rincon Hill) and he’s the one who negotiated the original
legislation requiring developers to pay into a specific pot for neighborhood services.

This one has the smell of Eric Mar’s legislation last week that switched City solar
dollars from public structures to wealthy businesses and condo owners. Taking into
account the Green Party’s push to privatize the solar array on the Sunset District’s
reservoir and now SF is second in the nation for solar works per capita but virtually
every bit of it is privately (i.e. PG&E) owned. Thank the Greens and their liberal
buddies like Mar and Leno.

This item is tough for an old cowboy like me to figure out. It’s designed that way.
Chiu’s great at that. What it says on face is that it’s changing where
developer money goes temporarily (18 months – until Daly’s gone) until they can cook up
permanent legislation. My guess is that the in-lieu fees that are to become,
“interim affordable housing fees” will now cease to go for things like neighborhood
centers and trees and go to Calvin Welch. Wonder what he promised the mayor for
this? If it’s true. Like I said, pretty complicated stuff for me. Meant to
be. For sure.

Item #3 Apt. mgrs. arrested for tenants loud sex and smoking

Woody Allen plays Eric Mar in the movie. Gotta be. As I read this latest
engraved tablet from the Richmond District I was ’sore amazed’ as the good book says.
Now, I used to manage apartment buildings in this town and it appears this
legislation would make me responsible for tenants who leaned against any part of the
exterior of my building to smoke instead of standing at the curb. Or, if I have an
ash tray in the laundry room or on the roof deck?

Angela Alioto has to be chuckling about now. It was she who wrote and passed the
nation’s first ‘no smoking in restaurants’ legislation (was it bars too?) quite a few
calendars back. People attacked and mocked her for what was very sensible
legislation and is now revered. And, here I am after Mar.

The ‘No Loud Sex’? Just teasing. That isn’t in this particular offering at the
Board today. Naw, that’s next week. Mar and Gascon are meeting with Chiu to
make the public notice on the matter as confusing as possible even as we speak.

Go Giants!

h.