Bulldog 2007 Article 142
“The cold air causes significant shrinkage!!�
(George Costanza defends his reduced package)
I don’t know about you, but when I’m faced with cold air or water, my gonads climb so far back up into my abdomen that evidence of their existence is hard to find. Same with my prick. But hey, that’s just me and the rules of normal human responses. Clearly, those rules do not apply to mayoral candidates Alec (Grasshopper) Kaplan and George (the nudist Republican) Davis. Late afternoon yesterday, as a ‘Northeaster’ blew across Alioto Plaza, both repeatedly demonstrated to the audience of a few reporters, political wonks and reassured tourists that we are a city that defies normal definition in just about every way. They took it off. They swung em around. And, they still hung low as they say in the locker room. I’m thinking banned substances or profound mind control games.
It was our 6th scheduled debate of the 2007 San Francisco Mayoral Candidates Collaborative and I believe that we, as a group, reached full bloom.
We’d decided at the previous week’s After Party at the Temple Bar to unleash Davis to stand fully nude (rather than his usual pansy apron) and for Kenny (the Clown) Kahn to wear his clown costume (but then, which set of clothing is actually the ‘costume’ for Kenny?) … no one expected Grasshopper to come dragging his slimy balls across the Town Square. What the hell, it made for good theater and drew a bigger crowd than usual.
It began at Salon several hours earlier as usual. A couple of idiot/geniuses were arguing about the faults of Shakespeare and how George Bernard Shaw was actually a better writer. I swear to God, it was enough to provoke Mother Theresa.
We’d started the gathering by going to study the new, half-bubble red plastic cameras that were installed over our gathering tables since the café’ was robbed a month or so back. Someone thought they were web cams. Someone else thought they were unconnected props. Either way, we unanimously decided that we didn’t give a shit and we could use the publicity if they were aimed at us.
We went on to talk about Salomon’s benediction by Tim Redmond as the go-to policy wonk for a ‘moratorium’ (thanks, Sue Vaughan) on all market rate housing until the poor are housed. I yelled and screamed that the promise of Henry George’s urban Land Trusts should be included in whatever these guys bring before the voters. Between Public Housing, SFUSD holdings, de-commisioned base property and PUC right-of-way property, it would be possible to take 15 to 20% of the land in the City out of play for ‘profit’ developers.
We went outside to smoke a bit of medicinal pot and watch the red light on the ATM teller across the street blink at us as we inhaled. Cop cars cruised us and a neighbor across the alley leaned out the window asking for a joint. The cops had a camera mounted on their dash.
I didn’t plan to own a jazz club
Or, to become a ‘fag hag’ either, by the way. When I opened my bar in St. Louis back in the mid-70’s I vowed I’d play the best music available. It just turns out that 90% of the best music available at that time in St. Louis was jazz.Same with my circle of friends here. I look around me and most of my friends are gay. I ask Marc Salomon for statistics when I take the stage for the 6th weekly 2007 San Francisco Mayoral Candidates Collaborative debate … it’s being sponsored by the Bay Area Reporter.He shoots back a couple of stats. The federal government has cut AIDS funding to SF from 42 million down to 18 million a year during the Bush years. Gay men and women make up 20-25% of the local population now. He can’t decide on what animal he’d be if he could become an animal. The gay men and straight women in the audience sigh. Marc’s a hunk.
I use the Salomon statistics to shore up my presentations while Grasshopper Kaplan interrupts the debate a half dozen times with a half dozen different ploys. He is so getting paid for this.
He roars up across the Square nearly running over tourists as our forum begins. He skids up behind us and announces that he has a fare who is going to the airport in Oakland but that he brought him to our debate. The fare gets out and walks away in disgust.
Later, Kaplan (dressed in all new bright-orange designer sweat suit and matching brand-new ‘Impeach Bush’ socks) … later Kaplan races in front of the crowd and drops his trousers to shake his balls and dick at the women and children. They laugh and he turns to realize that George Davis is doing the entire debate au’ natural and he’s become redundant (worst fate for a performance artist).
So, Kaplan drives off and regroups and comes roaring back through the tourists in his SUV. He leaps out of the van, puts a brown paper bag over his head and rolls to and fro in a fetal position in front of anyone who is speaking. And, you’re gonna tell me this asshole isn’t getting paid to disrupt us? Why do they keep giving this guy his van back?
Why are the cops letting this guy get by with this shit? He purports to be against the mayor. If that’s so, why isn’t he lying in the mayor’s office with a bag over his head? Why isn’t he shaking his penis at Dede Wilsey at the opening of the Opera?
Naw, Alec Kaplan is working a job and the job is to harass the mayor’s opponents at their gatherings. The cops go light on him and Kamala has him back on the streets complete with his vehicle and sound system within hours. He can sleep in Ed Jew’s driveway because Ed Jew is an opponent of the mayor. He can leave banana peels and shit in a bucket on Ed Jew’s front porch and walk away. Why doesn’t he do this to the mayor and if he did, do you think he’d be freed in a couple of hours and presented with his car keys and a smile?
The Mecke mirage
Quintin Mecke and Andy Blue agree on one thing. That would be that Matt Gonzalez is a complete asshole for deserting the left in this mayoral campaign cycle. Hell, I agree with them on that.So, starting a future without Gonzalez is a smart thing to do. Pretending that Quintin Mecke is Robert Kennedy or Gavin Newsom or Matt Gonzalez who must be kept apart from the minority candidates lest he be tainted … makes him a laughingstock.Yesterday Mecke passed on his 5th of the Candidates Collaborative debates to which he has been invited. We are told that this is on the advice of Julian Davis who wishes to run Mecke in another dimension that will open when they are all able to hum together in just the right way.
After the Collaborative debate, he skipped the Public Access candidates forum (which excluded me … Fire Zane Blaney!) skipped the Channel 29 Newsroom event because … ?
Andy Blue probably said it best. He showed up at Mirkarimi’s art opening with a bunch of Mecke buttons to hand out. He and Davis think they’re Haldeman and Erlichman. Blue came over to the Temple with us for the After Hour party and totally snubbed a woman who wanted to have Mecke speak at the weekly Fillmore Farmers Market. Blue didn’t think she had enough people to justify a Mecke personal appearance.
As God is my witness, he said that. He noted that Mecke had 5 appearances scheduled as Andy was sitting there.
I told him that he was full of shit up to his eyebrows and he finally admitted it: “Gonzalez used to have 5 events on a night like this but Quintin does not.�. First lie. Then, shun an opportunity to present yourself to a thousand shoppers. Speaking of ‘shun’.
Patrick Murphy … drunken anti-Semite?
In a post long-sinced scrubbed (it ran on Thursday, Sept 20th) , Pat Murphy came out and chastised the Jewish community for over-reacting to a mural on a wall at 24th a Capp and further criticizing the City’s Art Commission for holding up promised payment on the mural at the behest of a militant faction of the San Francisco Jewish community.
Jeez, that was weird to read. Patrick (had to be back on the sauce) then went on to say how he was tired of hearing that anyone who criticized anything Jews did was in danger of being “shunned� by them and saying: “Who’s afraid of being shunned by 3% of the population?�.
Christ, it was like reading vintage h. brown. Except that Patrick forgot one thing. That would be that the “3%� of the community Patrick doesn’t fear, controls 95% of his ad revenue. I understand that Sam Lauter was on the horn to Pat within minutes. Look for Patrick to come back circumcised and wearing a yarmulke. And, Pat … re-post that piece. Run my piece on the SFSOS cabal as a companion. Then, get back to me on how your advertising is holding up. And, a line from Kenny ‘the Clown’ Kahn at Friday’s debate: “I can say this because I’m Jewish, but do you know what the most conflicting words a Jew can hear are? ‘Free ham’.�.
Farrah fading fast
Pounds wise, that is. Krissy Keefer showed up for the last part of the Collaborative and we ran into her friend, Farrah as we came into da Hall headed for Ross’ monthly art opening. Krissy has been doing double dance classes with kids at Dance Mission and is in her best shape in years. I growled at Farrah for being part of the Downtown gang trying to rip-off our Public Funding for mayoral candidates kitty of 6 million bucks but had to admit that he’d lost some pounds. Lord, the only one packing on the pounds now is Eric Jaye and I hear he’s pricing fat farms. I’d say that Jaye is headed for quadruple by-pass surgery within the next 6 months.
Jew’s bag man
For those of you wondering why Tom Ammiano is being so public in his call for Ed Jew to resign? Turns out that Ed’s bag man/consultant, one Robert Chan was on Tom’s staff before and was on Leland Yee’s before then. Geez Tom, how did that happen?
I gotta close this down. Tony D will have the video done by now and Luke’s pics have been gathering dust since last evening. I want to note that from now on, Alexandra will be posting the columns on the Bulldog archive first and I’ll post a link to them in my blast. As Luke decides, sometimes they’ll be on Fog City with pics.
We have a very good life. I paused to look over the remaining crowd at Temple Bar as I stood to leave at 10:30pm or so last night. Tony was bird-dogging Hope Johnson. Luke was snuggling with main-squeeze, Elaine Santore while Sue Vaughan and Karen Babbitt traded opinions. Lonnie Holmes was going over his campaign flyers and signs with Eileen Left. Andy Blue was passing out more Quintin buttons. I realized I’d already propositioned most all of the ladies and insulted every guy. It had been another great day on the campaign trail. I meandered into the night thinking about liverwurst and crackers and peanut butter and orange juice and maybe a bourbon on the rocks. There was a good sized roach from a bomb joint in my pocket and I fired it up as I hit the streets where a light rain was beginning to fall.
