Watching City Hall #388 (8-12-05)

"Most members of Board from Caribbean?"

(Rachel brings up a good point)

I checked and she's right! Can you believe it? turns out every single member of the Board of Supervisors was born in the Caribbean area. I did my usual fine job of investigative journalism and tracked the story down by questioning a series of drunks, janitors and clerks. Here's the scoop.

Anonymous janitor: "Dos women, mon, dey be da worst! Da 3 witches of da deviiilll! Dey be killin' innocent chickens every day in da batroom. Den, they rips dem open ta read da entraillls! It be disgusting."

Bulldog: "What kind of questions do they ask?"

Aj: "Ahhh, uh huh. Da one, dat 'Ma' lady? She be workin' a foull curse for some other woman what named 'Reilly' or sometin' like dat."

Bulldog: (scribbling madly) "And, the others?"

Aj: "Da little one, dat 'Pier'? She be workin' agin a curse what been cast on her by duh Mayor."

Bulldog: "And, Maxwell!?!"

Aj: "I think dat she jus' be tryin' to go to duh batroom, mon. It gotta be tuff for her der, what wit all da chantin' & da chicken blood on da walls & duh curses. (pauses thoughtfully) But, it be da closest can near da chambers."

Bulldog: (moving down the hall to talk to a clerk) "Is it true that Aaron Peskin and Chris Daly and Sean Elsbernd have formed a steel drum band?"

Anonymous clerk: (loses control, stands and pumps her fists in the air as she speaks) "Duh Gott dom noise come rite thru dis wall like it be flypaper! And da smell of da ganja!! Dey be gittin' da reports frum us. More reports all of duh time. Den, we realizezz. Dey be usin' da reports tuh wrap up deese giant joints! ... Duh bangin' and duh smoke. I be transferrin' to duh morgue, thank you!!"

So, all that we heard is true, then. Hackin away at the slop sent over by the Mayor's office and the Controller and the City Attorney day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year. ... It has finally gotten to our gallant lads and lasses. So, they 'go Caribbean' on their own neighbors. Oh hell, let's bottom line this.

As a 12 year old kid in 1956, sitting in Sportsman's Park in St. Louis, I witnessed a marvelous sight. A new player (right fielder) from the Pirates looked at a wild pitch (one of many) tossed up by one of the Redbirds' many lousy throwers. New kid from the Cribbean, swings at the high & outside flame on its way to the backstop and hits it out of the ball park. Over the right field pavilion. Onto Grand Avenue. I looked at my buddy, Mickey Robinson sitting next to me in the bleachers.

bulldog: "How the fuck did he do that?"

Mickey: (he was smarter than me) "Simple physics. While it's true that the catcher couldn't have caught the ball, that doesn't mean that the batter can't hit it. If you look closely, you'll see that the batter's bat is quite a bit longer than the catcher's mitt. Thus, he can hit pitches that the catcher can't catch. (nods his head as he munches some cracker jacks and Harry Cary drones on in the backround - 'Holllly cow!!! Did you see that? I'll have a budweiser on you Mr. Clemente because we'll never see anyone swing at a wild pitch like that again and hit it out of the park.' - boy, was Harry wrong)"

Yeah, it was Roberto Clemente. He hit lots of wild pitches out of the park. I believe they invented the term 'free swinger' just to describe his philosophy of hitting. And, generations of Cribbean ballplayers have modeled their game after the great one. Successfully, I might add. I think the feeling is that the pitch that 'gets away' from the pitcher isn't his best offering and is, in fact, 'hanging fruit' for a great hitter. Even though it may be hanging 2 feet over their head and way, way outside.

Give Krueger back his job. His generation is about statistics and 'moneyball' and bad manners. He's not a racist. He's simply a passionately partisan redneck. Kind of like the President. Make the bastard run laps in the outfield during 7th inning stretch for a few home games. Let him wash the teams' jock straps for the cameras. Lord knows he couldn't carry any of them.

Remember 'Steam Bath'?

Bill Bixby starred. Wakes up sitting on a bench in a steam bath with a towel around his waist and nothing else. Puerto Rican attendant mops and hands out towels as people arrive and leave. After talking to some of the people, Bixby realizes they're all dead and that this place is some kind of transfer point. A kind of purgatory? Anyway, after much more yapping, they all realize that the Puerto Rican steam bath attendant is God! Bixby does a Larry Krueger on him: "Are you telling me that GOD is a Puerto Rican steam bath attendant?!?"

And, it turns out that God (as a Puerto Rican) is very sensitive about being a Caribbean. The Lord goes on at some length about great Puerto Ricans (he mentions Desi Arnez). So, (for whatever this all means) the problem has been around for awhile. And, here's the way the Giants and KNBR should REALLY handle the problem

CARIBBEAN PLAYERS DAY!!

Bring in the steel drums. Bring in the fine dancing from Krissy Keefer's Dance Mission which home ports the largest array of Caribbean dancers in town. Play and all Latino starting lineup. Do all announcements in Spanish. And. And. Let Krueger and his poor-taste comrades bar-b-que for the team and fans before the game. Then, give them their jobs back. ... Hell, that sounds good. Given the way the season is going on the field (I like this team, by the way - last night Omar Vizquel slid head-first into first base in the first inning - shut up, Krueger! - I love that flair) ... this is a Latin town. Our names our Latino. The biggest studs and hottest chicks are Latinos. Embrace that shit. It rocks. A guy could do worse in life than to swing at a wild pitch every now and then.

Dee ole friday Bulldog Salon

Four short hours from now. Last week we drew 14 of 20 invitees and 9 of them were writers. At last count, 5 of those had posted work this week, ranging from Charles Kalish's empassioned diatribe against Comcast in the dailies to Jackson West's piece on online entrepreneurship in SF Weekly. Also, check his SFist.com interview with 'Photo Matt' online today. Jackson wants to help the Bulldog "update to RSS" or something like that. "So we can talk to the older generation." Uh huh, that's what he said. Said to not take offense but that my computer language was like smoke signals or something like that. (He's right, I do smoke alot.) Together these people reach every significant module of the City's Progressive demographic composite. I'll be happy if we can just get our own chat room going.

Missing was David Owen from Peskin's office who adds sardonic wit. He said he had to "go pee in a cup" or something, but I think Peskin cut him off cause I hit the Board Prez on the Comcast contract. ... Skip that. I'm just hacked cause Peskin doesn't show and I think he's funnier than hell. Thus far, he's the only sitting politician we've invited.

John Dunbar was the new heavy-hitter in the house. He's a strategist of the first magnitude who has worked with an array of powers ranging from Jack Davis to Ross Mirkarimi. John has no time for fools which is why we don't spend more time together.

Anne Kaplan from Street Sheet returned. She's a dancer too, like Krissy Keefer across the table. So's Cat Rauschuber who does ballet like Anne, while Krissy can dance anything. Chris Finn from Frontlines came in and asked Cat & I about getting Matt to speak at a graduation ceremony for a group of labor organizers at Berkeley (it's today and Matt's doing the keynote talk). ... Anthony Faber made a call for software for the new Bulldog chat room and was overwhelmed with vague enthusiasm.

Marc Salomon and Joe Lynn traded barbs on LGBT politics across the table and Julian Davis from Mark Leno's office kept his attendance record perfect at the gathering. You got a good one there, Mark. The kid (Davis) was a great candidate in the D-5 race. He's smart enough to listen most of the time and forgets nothing. And, like yourself, everyone likes him.

Senior strategist Charles Kalish (Jens says: "If you just move the letters around a little bit, 'tragedy' is just like 'strategy'.") ... Charles worked the table on matters from CCA (Community Choice Aggregation - 'Lite Power') to the Comcast contract.

It went on like that. I added a couple of invitations this week. Daniela Krishenbaum, land use guru from Pacific Heights (who begged off due to motherhood). Rob Anderson, D-5 self-described: "Right wing of the left wing" ... and, another of the 21 people who defeated me in last year's D-5 race. And, Sue Vaughn of that local carnival we call the Green Party who quickly replied that she'd rather be "dis-invited" because it would work better for a piece she's writing ('Please insult me. ... Early lessons in masochism' ? ). Anyway, my little friday escape into good and cheap food and the best conversation is splendid. Do one yourself. Invite more than 2 people for lunch. Then, 3. Then ... ? Pretty soon, you got a gang. You can pick colors. Design gang logos. Come up with a signature handshake, hand sign or small dirty-dance skit to identify 'your kind'.

Jensisms

h.: "How would you rate my writing?"

Jens: "Generic profanity."

h.: "Who is the best Democratic candidate against Arnold?"

Jens: "Run Maria Shriver."

h.: "His WIFE!!!???"

Jens: "It's California, Jake."

Swing at a wild pitch today