Watching City Hall #281, (5-11-04)“Give us a sign, Lord.”
(chant of Supe candidates)
OK, I got your sign right here. … No, really, I do. … Several of you wrote me to note correctly that I shouldn’t have used the Examiner horoscope entries in my last column. I talked the matter over with my associate Eileen Left who was sitting in an old overstuffed black leather chair with her feet up, watching the warm sun climb quickly over Buena Vista Park.
Eileen: “Those people are all quacks!”
h.: “How can you say that!? Why, many of our presidents consulted astrologers before making key decisions of state. Are you saying they were all nuts?”
Eileen: “I’m saying that you don’t need any training or certification to hand out a shingle and say you’re an astrologer. Hell, I could write a better horoscope than any of the ones you read.”
h.: “Show me. … I’m serious, I’ll give you the month and you tell me the present fate of the people who have been born under that sign and I’ll write it down..”
Eileen: (She cocks her head a bit to the side, smiles and nods slowly.) “Get me a glass of ‘two buck Chuck’s’ merlot & load up the glass pipe with some sticky green bud. … Then, start reading the signs for me.” (Takes the pipe which she lights & the glass of wine which she sits on an end table within reach.)
h.: (hands her the morning features section, folded at the horoscope) … “Just talk and I’ll write.”
Eileen: (nodding & taking a sip of wine, looks over the paper) … “This is just for politicians and reporters and political junkies.” (gestures to indicate a banner above her new endeavor & begins)
Eileen’s morning line
(Horrorscopes for you)
Aries: A neighbor has placed a curse upon you, your home and your vehicle. Your only hope is to purchase a secret exorcism by sending $10 to this column.
Taurus: Things are much worse than you suspect. Your children are aliens. And your spouse is planning to kill you. Your only hope is to send $10 to this column.
Gemini: The Feds are onto you. Your phone & computer are bugged. Your Mailman is with the CIA and the white van across the street is full of DEA agents. Your only hope is to send $10 to this column for more information.
Cancer: God has chosen you for a special assignment that involves pickles. Sell all of your earthly possessions and buy pickles! Send $10 to this column for the address of a good pickle store.
Leo: You are going insane. It’s no good to tell you more, because you won’t understand anyway.
Virgo: Though you have been certified to be ‘factually innocent’, we all know you are a lying and abusive dog. Send $10 to this column and then throw the rest of your money and all of your clothes out your front window.
Libra: You can’t hide behind the bishop forever. We know what you did, and there are pictures. Send $10 to this column as a tithe offering.
Scorpio: Thank you for the $10. You are now able to fly like a bird. Do not go higher than.35,000 feet for the first few flights, or over 700mph.
Sagittarius: You were secretly purchased from a band of urban nomads in vans with fake license plates. Ironically, your actual parents are now billionaires and searching for you. Send $10 to this column for further information.
Capricorn: As you suspected all along, you are actually a cartoon character. It is not a very good cartoon. Send $10 in play money to this column.
Aquarius: Nobody has ever really liked you. You are stupid and ugly and will never amount to anything. Your only hope is to send $10 to this column.
Pisces: Your picture was on ‘America’s Least Wanted’ last night. Shave your head, send $10 to this column, then get naked and streak the Washington Square bar & grill at 12:30pm today.
Forewarned:
