Watching City Hall #273, (4-2-04) Mea culpa to Robert Haaland & Ross Mirkarimi I fuck up a lot. … Of course, those of you who know me best already knew that. What you might not know is that I do really feel bad when I insult someone who doesn’t deserve it. … In this case, that would be Robert Haaland, who is running for supervisor in District #5. In my last column I accused him of not actively supporting Matt Gonzalez’s candidacy for mayor in his runoff with Gavin Newsom. … Nothing could be further from the truth. Haaland scheduled a unity party Before the General Election, it was Robert Haaland who scheduled a unity party to gather supporters of all candidates behind whomever ended up running against Gavin in December. … Kudos, Robert. Like a number of other stalwarts, Robert spent most of the runoff season working on i.e. (independent expenditure) projects on behalf of Gonzalez. Legally, you can’t coordinate these with the candidate or their staff and that’s why I barely saw Haaland during the runoff. Hell, I went to Haaland’s party after the General Election and wrote it up. It is only the fact that I’m a besotted flake that allowed me to forget his good work. In penance, I announce here and now that I will vote for Robert Haaland for Supervisor in District #5. … I’m gonna stop short of endorsing him yet, but he has my vote come election day. Right now, my endorsement is leaning toward a candidate who has yet to file. That would be Ross Mirkarimi. … I’m not quite endorsing Ross yet either. I want to get on stage with these kids for a couple of debates (yes, I’ll be out there with the new ‘Brown’ machine, running in District #5 myself) … want to see how they handle themselves. Right now my IRV ballot for District #5 would read: 1. Ross Mirkarimi 2. Robert Haaland 3. Lisa Feldstein Get your tickets early for the District #5 race. What would have been a ho-hum Contest in #5 will definitely be the hottest show in town. We can thank Matt Gonzalez for that. The debates will remind those who were lucky enough to be there of the 2000 race in District #6. … Ah, those were the days. Who can forget the tunnel? Who can forget James Leroy Dunne and his proposal for a tunnel starting in the Tenderloin and running THROUGH Nob Hill and on into Chinatown? … Filled with homeless people. … Ah yes, James would stand before incredulous crowds and whip the cover off his model of the tunnel, gazing down upon the edifice as he spoke, with his pointed, gray, tobacco-stained beard finding symmetry with the point of his herringbone, Bear Bryant style hat. … Wandering around the grounds outside the venues in his slightly tight 3 piece suit, muttering to himself or, perhaps … a secret friend. One wonders how Chris Daly was able to beat a candidate so much more in touch with the average District #6 voter. Let’s bring the tunnel back! This time, let’s run it through Hayes Hill. Every year it seems, some poor out-of-shape bastard gets his ticket punched on Hayes Hill during the Bay-to-Breakers race. … There’s no call for that. … No, not at all. We have the technology We have the technology to drill a tunnel 50’ in diameter right through that jogger killing hill from Market street all the way to Divisadero. … It just makes good sense. … It would free up a half mile or so of prime hillside and hilltop space which could either be converted into extended parkland peaking at the Alamo Square Park, or … or, we could give the land to Brian O’Flynn and Joe O’Donaghue. They could build million dollar condos for the poor and infirm. … Or, we could put snow machines up there and do a serious ski run complete with lifts and a serious jump for the brave hearted. Imagine the surprise of motorists when a ‘world class’ competitor got off a really good one and landed at the intersection of Market & Van Ness right in front of their Volvo station wagon. … The homeless themselves, of course, would live inside the tunnel which (per James Dunne) they’d have built. They can live in stacks of those little houses Jim Reid (another candidate in that race) designed. It would probably be like driving through a bee hive or an ant colony. I’m absolutely certain tourists would come from all over the world to visit the phenomenon. Imagine the reactions of visitors driving through the tunnel with their children for the first time and observing a thousand stacked tiny houses fronted by a thousand tiny picket-fenced yards with a thousand derelicts sitting in lawn chairs smoking crack and drinking 40 ouncers of Colt 45. … Really, imagine that. More sound thinking Then, there was candidate, Professor Joan Roughgarden’s idea for the West Coast equivalent of the Statue of Liberty, which she calls the ‘Statue of Diversity’. … Now, that’s a good idea. Good enough for Dennis Normandy to rip-off and claim as the result of a Willie Brown think tank. … We can tinker with that idea and, perhaps, team with the new Sierra Club anti-immigration faction for a design and a plaque. … I can see it now. … Yeah … a 200 foot tall statue atop the new Cliff House featuring a red-neck with a NASCAR cap extending a 6 foot index finger toward the Orient. The plaque reads: ‘Stay the fuck out!!’. The Michael Jackson monument Prayer Book cross atop a small waterfall along JFK drive is crumbling. I propose replacing it with a statue of Michael Jackson with his arms spread wide and fitted with the inscription: ‘Send your little ones to the Michael Jackson Day Care Center’. … This idea also is from the District #6 2000 campaign in which one candidate when asked what he added to diversity in the race admitted that he struggled with tendencies toward pedophilia. Can District # 5 top that? Unfortunately for San Francisco … probably. Although, as Dick Nixon used to say: “It would be wrong.”. … Still, that hasn’t stopped us yet. … Me? … Hmmmm. … I honestly forget if my own campaign had a point at that time. I seem to recall just arriving at debates stoned out of my mind and making fun of the other candidates. … Hey, it got me 186 votes and I don’t see any reason to change a winning formula. Other shit My e-mail is back up. Girls, that means you can go back to sending me nude pictures of yourselves and your friends (short films will also fit) … send me photos without worrying about shutting down da Bulldog (we’ll let the FCC worry about that). Lies & alibis to: