Watching City Hall #272, (3-29-04) “He was just too high-strung.” (Doc Holiday speaks over the corpse of Johnny Ringo) He might have been talking about Matt Gonzalez. … What a drag, huh? Rob Nenn can’t throw. Garcia is in Cleveland. … Yeah, it’s Monday alright. … Let me take a deep breath and deal with Matt’s decision. Thanks for the memory You old dogs will know I’m telling the truth when I say that we haven’t seen anything in politics like Gonzo’s run for mayor since Gene McCarthy ran for the presidency in ’67. … Hell, the boy’s entire 5 year political career has been like that. He’s full of shocks and surprises and, as Martha always says: “That’s a good thing.”. … Lord, I’m gonna miss his intelligence and his insights and his hard work. … OK, I’ll miss the monthly wine party/art openings most. But, I’m Irish and we turn our funerals into parties. Having properly mourned the departed, let’s drape ourselves over his open pyre (hey!, don’t spill beer on the body) … How the hell can the Left possibly find someone as free with their money and time and booze as Matt Gonzalez? … Hmmmm. There’s always me I know. I know. I’ve been done to death. … Sure, I only got 186 votes when I ran for supe in District #6 against Daly and just a few more tallies (208) against Gavin in District #2. … But, this time it will be different. … Say, huh!? Follow me here. … Let’s run down my list of qualifications for the job of 5th District Supervisor: 1. I actually live in the 5th District. … I live a few doors from the corner of Haight & Ashbury which is the first place I came when I first hit San Francisco in 1966. In an odd twist, at that time, Janice Joplin was living in the apartment where I now take my dsl. So, … it’s kinda like, you know, … like fate & shit like that. 2. I know how to create and lead a mob. … This is very important in District 5 and has, in my opinion, been one of the areas neglected under the previous administration. I would have, for instance, gathered poop & pee-in’s around the closed restrooms in the Panhandle and at Haight & Stanyan. It is an absolute disgrace that the City wants to put a pay toilet at Masonic & Haight (it will quickly become a needle parlor) when we already have a free, closed shooting-gallery/toilet a block away in the Panhandle. … Use what you got, then ask for more. (It’s amazing how much rich people are afraid of shit.) 3. I’ll get along with the Republicans. … Like Washington, I favor killing people who get out of line. Political assassination finds favor with me as it does with the Bush people. I could see, for instance, invading Texas (they sit on handsome reserves of both oil and natural gas) and replacing the leadership there with an administration headed by Ted Nugent and Wavy Gravy. 4. I can be bribed. … A bottle of cheap wine and a bowl of good green bud go a long way in winning my favor. Even common people could bribe me. 5. I’m an endangered species. … As a straight, senior, white male, I can certainly claim such a status in my campaign. … I mean, you just don’t see people like me walking down the streets in the 5th District. (Mostly, people like me are curled up in doorways dreaming of better times.) 6. I could very well die in office. … This kind of ties in to reason #6. … Face it, people love it when a politician dies. Picking an older person with a solid record of drug and alcolhol addiction and a loose tongue almost guarantees a change of face sooner, rather than later. 7. Everyone can stand a smile every now and then. We ain’t gonna replace Matt Gonzalez, folks. … It ain’t possible. The cadre of backstage looney-tunes characters now lining up to fill the spot confirms that. … The District #5 seat will be … ‘in play’ without Matt. The early candidates vying for the spot are well known back room people. You can make a deal with Bill Barnes. Hell, he’s famous for double-dealing already. Robert Haaland? He and Ammiano & Jerry Threet sitting with their collective thumbs up their asses cost Gonzalez and the Progressives the office of mayor. Like, I’m going to support their sorry booties now? Lisa Feldstein seems like the best of the lot under consideration. I could see running in the race for the comedy column material and endorsing someone like her at every debate (I did that with Marc Solomon in the 6th in 2000) … I’m worried about a latent homophobic backlash there. More about that later. … I’ll miss Matt on the scene. Hopefully, on a personal basis, I’ll get to see more of him. I’m sure his staff will catch City jobs. They certainly should. Matt has had some real diamonds running through his offices. Rob Eshelman, Amy Laitenan, Larry Roberts, Jim Dorenkott, Enrique Pierce, Gabrielle and David (don’t know last one’s full names) … suffice to say that Matt used his power to appoint staff, to mentor a variety of worthy people. … But, I’d be remiss if I didn’t leave the last words for 2 imaginary people Matt tried and failed to vanquish in the last year. … That would be Eileen Left and Gavin Newsom. Here they are with a duet proclaiming the proper sentimentality due to retiring politicians: (As they sing, they dance across the stage, she, with a whip is dressed in the outfit of a French upstairs maid … she flails at Gavin who is wearing only a bow tie and a ‘g’ string – Gavin is on all 4’s as Eileen flails away and they bellow.) Gavin & Eileen: “Na, Na, Na, Na! Na, Na, Na, Na!! Na, Na, Na, Na!!! Hey, Hey, Hey!!!! GOOD BYE!!!!!!” As they used to say at the firehouse: “If you’re looking for sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.” Don’t get me laughing: