Watching City Hall #250, (01-10-04)“When you apply for jobs, don’t tell them who you are.”
(Eileen Left, at her best)
Eileen is angry. She’s pissed at Matt Gonzalez for banning her from his campaign. … She’s pissed at me for allowing him to ban her. … She’s also pissed at me for not giving her, her own weekly column (she’s been pushing for that for about a year). … My arguments that she’s just an online concoction … a fantasy of my imagination … fall on deaf ears. She really thinks she’s real and when I let her out of my keyboard, she came out swinging. She began with a round of insults about how much I’d deteriorated since she last saw me. She strode around the room going through stacks of papers and looking at my resume’.
“And, … stay away from mirrors! … Trust me on that one.”
There was no call for that! … Of course, she’s right. … She has to be. … It’s been 6 weeks since she’s seen me and I’ve emptied a few flasks. Can a person fall that far in so short a time? … Yeah. … Uh huh. But, she didn’t have to bring that up. Here I am, hanging from my metaphorical nails at Frank’s crib in the Mission getting ready to put out an application for a job my daughter found on Craig’s List. … Here I am, … listening to Sting on KFOG and reading Pat Murphy’s HYPERLINK "http://www.sanfrancisco.com" www.sanfrancisco.com and Aaron Barnes’ HYPERLINK "http://www.sfprogressives.com" www.sfprogressives.com (if that address doesn’t work, get back to me.) … Anyway, I open the box in which Eileen has been trapped for the past 6 weeks, and … she comes out swinging! … Hell, I’d expect that. … Ever see ‘Magic’ with Anthony Hopkins as the ventriloquist who loses his identity to his puppet? … Eileen is a lot like that. … Honest. (she awakened famished and headed for the Chinese carry-out at 24th & Mission, so I can talk) … … You following me here?
I wanted to work out an honest new resume’. … Let’s see:
Looking for work
Hated political satirist with imaginary friend and special powers cat, seeks shelter.
Eileen is right. I have to lie. … And, … hope they can’t read. … Wait! There’s an idea! … Why can’t we make out applications for prospective employers!?! … Hmmmm:
Employer wanted
Deaf, dumb, blind, rich & stupid.
English not necessary.
Remember when Willie called homelessness: ‘unsolvable’? Now, while I disagree about that, I can see where I might have become unemployable on all but the highest levels. … That’s kind of fucked-up, yuh know? … It’s the result of a life wasted chasing art and women and revolution. … Lord, has it been fun. … … What the hell?! (Eileen is back with carry-out and points to the keyboard.)
“Copy this!!”
h.: “Tell me about it, blondie.”
Eileen: (munching an egg roll and thumbing through the news clips I have stuffed in my backpack) … “Ammiano has to go. … He double-crossed you twice and he’ll do it again. Start picking a replacement for him in District #9. I’m thinking Richard Marquez. (looks up) Where’s he live?”
h.: “Marquez? … Ammiano!? … What’re you saying here?”
Eileen: “Tom thinks he’s fuckin’ Moses. He really thinks he’s entitled to all of this special considerations shit. … Hey, once that might have been right, but it hasn’t been that way since he dumped Gonzalez in favor of Maxwell for Board President. … Face it! … This guy is history and you can expect him to put in one more dagger before he leaves.”
h.: “Like what?”
Eileen: “Like resigning and accepting some kind of liason job between Newsom and San Francisco Unified. … Shit, boy … all the fossils go there. He and Louise Renne can share cab fare to Dugan’s Funeral Parlor to get their makeup done. … Oh yeah, I couldn’t speak, but I’ve been listening. … That allows Newsom to appoint 2 new Board members right away. He’ll appoint Jim Lazarus to replace him in District #2 and pull some Latina with a dark complexion in to replace Ammiano. … You can count on that shit!”
h.: (looking in wonder) “It makes sense in a deeply perverted way, but I just don’t think Ammiano would sink that low.”
Eileen: (snorts &tosses clips to the floor as she finishes them) … “It’s always been about Tom for this guy. … Are you that stupid? … Didn’t you notice that he pulled out this little loophole he put into the District Supe legislation that was specifically designed to give him an extra term while everyone else was termed out? … Does that sound like, ‘Yeah team!’ shit? … Trust me, he’s already made the deal. He fumbled the ball on purpose too many times to ever be trusted by the progressives again. I’m not gonna name names here, but this guy cannot win in November in District #9. I’m just telling you to get ready for the announcement and have someone ready to run in 9.”
h.: “What if he doesn’t make a deal and runs again himself?”
Eileen: “He loses because he hasn’t earned another term. Any opponent just has to hit him with the question: ‘Do you think the people meant it when they voted in favor of term limits?’ and shit like that.”
h.: (stares at her … she paces, wracked by withdrawal from nicotine which you’d think wouldn’t afflict an imaginary character) “You’re on a roll. What about the new Fire Chief?”
Eileen: (reads his mind) “Give me a cigarette and I’ll tell you what I think.”
h.: “I don’t smoke.”
Eileen: (sneers) “Don’t be a smart-ass. Just type in something like: ‘He handed her a cigarette.’ … No! make it: ‘He handed her a fresh pack of Pall Malls … and, returned her signature heavy gold lighter with the inset circle of pink diamonds in the shape of a heart.’ … Yeah, write that!”
h.: (Smiles and shakes his head & starts to type.) “He handed her a fresh pack of Pall Malls, returned her signature heavy gold lighter with the inset circle of pink diamonds in the shape of a heart, then, as an afterthought, included a sturdy deep green marble ashtray, a bottle of fine merlot, 2 glasses and a corkscrew.”
Eileen: (Tears into the cigarettes and hands h. the wine to open. She lights the first cigarette and takes a long draw.) … “Ummmm. Thanks. The wine is a nice touch. … You should really consider ordering yourself something. … Like, maybe a job? Or, some money … an apartment!”
h.: “It doesn’t work that way for me. … Tell me about the new Chief.”
Eileen: (takes the glass of wine and goes to look out the triple-bay overlooking Capp street) “She’s Jim Lazarus’ ticket into Gavin’s seat in District #2. … She’s cover for appointing a white male from the aristocracy to the most important vacancy he has to fill.”
h.: “That makes sense. … Hell, I was a firefighter for 5 years and never got above the rank of private. This woman has a business degree and made Captain in 6 years by being the Chief’s Aide? … Nope, that don’t cut it. … She’s a bureaucrat, not a real line officer.”
Eileen: “What’s a ‘line’ officer?”
h.: “It means you’re in ‘line’ to be commander of the ship. It means you know how to fight a battle. It means you either went to a military academy or schlepped every job on the ship. Being the highest-ranking officer on the battleground doesn’t make you in charge. I’ve seen junior lieutenants running ships carrying captains and admirals who weren’t line officers. … Fire departments are military organizations. A fire ground commander can be directing dozens of pieces of equipment and hundreds of firefighters during a disaster. The head of such a department should be a trained & highly experienced individual. It’s no place for a pencil pusher and that’s what Newsom appointed. That shows a lack of concern for the safety of the citizenry. … The boy is playing politics with the command staff of the fire department in earthquake City. That’s dumb, … at best.”
Eileen: “What do you think of the Rick Bruce affair?” (Bruce, a Deputy Police Chief, was outed in the Chronicle for registering and voting in San Francisco, even though he doesn’t live here)
h.: “Sounds like Fagan & his boys getting rid of the competition.”
Eileen: “Bruce worked on Newsom’s campaign, didn’t he?”
h.: “Yeah. He’d have made a good choice for Gavin. He’s got plenty of experience and the support of the men. He’s run the major tactical squads. He’s photogenic and would inspire confidence standing in front of a hundred cameras explaining what happened in the latest terrorist event.”
Eileen: “You think terrorism is coming here?”
h.: “Of course it is. But, I’m not saying Newsom should hire from within. Hell, Gavin might be best advised to try and hire a retired General with extensive experience in urban war. Now, that … that, would show serious foresight.”
Eileen: “Who will he hire?”
h.: “Heather Fong. … Unless the Irish Policeman’s Association is able to plant some heroin at her house.”
Eileen: “You call ME cynical!? … Yeah, I think the irony in Bruce not getting to be police chief because he voted for Gavin is funny as hell too. It’s like when Willie Brown dumped his elections director (‘Dr. Phil’) … Willie dumped the guy for having a fundraiser in his office and the fundraiser was to raise money for Willie! … Who says these people have no sense of humor?”
h.: “What should we be doing next?”
Eileen: “Get a measure on the ballot in November funding some designated land-trust projects. A building full of dancers complete with performance space. Another building full of artists complete with studios. A building full of musicians complete with studios. Your press club thingee with a complete library of every City meeting available on cd. … It’s just a matter of time before the economy here takes off again and they’ll throw the rest of the art community out along with the other poor.”
h.: “What else?”
Eileen: “Do a series of hearings deconstructing the Department of Elections and the entire electoral process. … Hell, it’s not rocket science. They only have about a dozen permanent employees. It’s not like trying to take on the Department of Public Works. … Use the hearings as an opportunity to educate the public. Outreach, for God’s sake! … Take each element of the process from voter and candidate registration and carry it all the way down to certification of final results. … There are so many questions … What happened when Willie bought a couple of hundred thousand extra ballots? … Where are the ballots from the last few elections? How are poll workers chosen? Could there be a better way? … The end goal, of course, should be to establish an ‘open source’ program for counting our votes. The present vendor (ES&S) refuses to let us access the programs we purchase, to see how the votes are counted and the integrity of the system assured.”
h.: “Department of Elections. … Land Trusts. … We seem to think a lot alike.”
Eileen: (sarcastic stare as she lights another cigarette) “And, you need to get the one megawatt tidal power demonstration module built. Newsom will do anything he can to grab that one away from Gonzalez. … Wouldn’t you? … This will be THE alternative energy project in THE City of THE world! … I’m not exaggerating. When a couple of half-assed terrorists use 5 lbs of cheap explosives to cut the supply of natural gas from Texas and electricity from Hetch-Hetchy in a split-second, you think people are gonna ask why San Francisco couldn’t see this coming and have some alternative other than giant, mobile jet engines burning fossil fuels? … You bet your sweet ass they will. … Right now, all three of the projects; land trust, DOE reform and tidal energy are all stamped with the name of Matt Gonzalez. … If he doesn’t move forward with all 3 programs aggressively, they’ll belong to Newsom by the 4th of July. … You’ll be hearing things like: ‘Mayor Newsom today made a deal with PG&E to construct a demonstration 1 megawatt tidal energy generation unit …’”
h.: (sighs) “Gonzalez blocked a resolution (supported by Peskin?!) to congratulate them on running great elections. … Now, we know that’s utter bullshit. It’s obviously an attempt by the downtown interests that ran the department through Willie Brown to fend off any investigations. I mean, the Board looks pretty silly if they start to look the department over after commending its great work. … The 3 people pushing to block the investigation are interesting too. … Peskin, who’ll do anything to hang out with Denise Hale and Tom Horn, I can figure. Fiona Ma, who is strictly a downtown pawn, no problem. But, Tony Hall? … Hell, no one got screwed more by the elections people than Tony. … I gotta figure that maybe Tony got his head turned by Sandy Tatum at one of those golf shoot-arounds things they all do. … I don’t know. I do know that if the elections are crooked, you’re wasting your time gathering a majority of the voters under your tent.”
Some kudos for Newsom
The Newsom face before the wonks, wookies and wreporters who cover City Hall will have some familiar faces. Thanks for that Gavin. … Steve Kawa, who was Willie Brown’s Budget Chief, then Chief of Staff (or, something like that) seems to be onboard. He’s honest and friendly under fire. … Mike Farrah will move across the building to room 200 as a senior adviser. Gavin couldn’t do better. Cathy Garza will be a part of the mix. Another big winner. … I’m hoping he keeps Ben Rosenfield who has a great way of presenting a complex budget. I don’t know the rest of the gang. I liked P.J. Johnston and his bride, Karin Carlsen (are you related to the documentary film maker? … and congrats to you both on your new baby – just heard it was born & didn’t get make or model). … Trent Rohrer & Mitch Katz will continue their work in down-sizing the local population of homeless and insane. Katz has the better bedside manner, but Trent has a disarming, school-boy charm that doesn’t abraze. That’s the kind of treatment you need when someone is telling you, you’re going to die or it’s time to get the fuck out of Dodge. (Mitch is closing down wards at SF General – as Head of Health Department, while Trent – as Head of Human Services, packs the poor off to Richmond) I’ve enjoyed watching both of their presentations through countless hearings before countless Board entities.
Let’s close this down now. Y’all take your meds and don’t let your meat loaf. If you get a lead on any jobs you feel are suitable to a person of my talents, let me know. … I’m just sitting around here trying to influence public policy while I wait for my movie to come out. … Ain’t it always that way?
For a drinking partner, call:
