‘Rock til you drop.’

‘Lie til you die.’

‘Yell all the way to Hell.’

‘A liddle house for a liddle mouse.’

“I’m running for Mayor!?”

“Help me move Bernie.”

“I’ve always loved the Bayview.”
(SF mayoral candidates & staff - heard on stages)

It the candidates for mayor would only keep their little district satellite offices open as toilets for a year after the race is over, I’m gonna believe they were serious about helping the neighborhoods. … In fact, I’ll guarantee 10 votes for any candidate who opens porta potties plastered with their posters … instead of ego-centric outlets … you know, instead of putting out a bunch of crap … take some in. The streets could use the relief.

It’s getting more interesting all the time around here. While I’m throwing away my clothes and books to get my own shit to fit into the back of my buddy Daniel’s pick-up, Gavin Newsom is throwing a party to celebrate his wife moving to New York. … Are these really good things?

“Well, for one thing … they’re open 24 hours a day.”
(Buzz Fazio explains campaigning in massage parlors)

I’m on the bricks next week and I’m looking for space to crash. I’m eyeing the various candidates’ district campaign headquarters as likely empty spaces with amenities for the next 60 days. Here’s my take on the advantages and drawbacks of the various locations:

Newsom’s ‘Bayview Bunker’ - It’s not a good sign when the candidate and his supporters all arrive in Humvees, made up in black face paint so’s they fit in. I’m guessing Gavin’s Bayview ‘outreach’ effort will have the shelf life of an open can of tuna in the Texas sun. … These people are poor, but that doesn’t mean they’re dumb. Whatever, I think I’d rather guard a bank in Baghdad than work in Newsom’s Bayview office. … It would be much safer. … I stood apart from the crowd (by Saturday, I usually smell) … I stood apart as Willie Brown cut the ribbon and shook hands with Gavin and I asked a puzzled wino what he thought of the new campaign office. … (He took a pull from his bottle and just shook his head) … “I thought they were opening a new crack house.” … Yep, that’s what he said. (He was wearing a ‘Newsom for Mayor’ sticker on the seat of his trousers)

Ammiano’s ‘Mission Mausoleum’ - “Will SOMEBODY (!!) help me move Bernie?”

Alioto’s ‘Air Ball, Ball’ - It is being said by insiders that Angela’s campaign guru, Duane Baughman toyed with the idea of just dropping large amounts of cash from a blue helicopter and hoping the people got the idea, … but, his plan met local opposition. … “This isn’t New York!” shouted one local staffer … “Even the poor people are rich here.!” … Another voice cried out … “Don’t you know that all people hate their leaders? … Only Newsom is endorsed by people more hated than the gang of union sots you’ve lined up!”

Reid opens branch office in bird house – Continuing with his ‘smaller is better’ theme, candidate Jim Reid … OK, ok

Denny’s sues Denny for using his own name – “Jesus Christ!, he’s against the ERA, the IRS and the NBA!” Shouted a branch manager. “Do you know what that kind of blasphemy will do to our pancake sales!?” Candidate Michael simply replied: “As always, I am opposed to anything the average voter holds dear.”

Tony’s Mobile, Agile, Hostile, Drive-by office – Talk about ‘targeting the homeless’ … Probably the most novel idea came out of ex-SFPD Tony Ribera’s campaign. … While it is unclear exactly how the project works, it goes something like … like, they set up a skeet shooting thingee on a flatbed truck only there’s no skeet. You pull the rig through the Tenderloin loaded with Republican campaign contributors with 12 gauge shotguns, who are further loaded on Jack Daniels’ Black Label … Let’s just say, if you’re lying in pools of your own bodily fluids and you hear the theme from ‘Bonanza’ getting louder and closer … time for a change of lifestyle.

Gonzo’s Haight Hideout – Later this week, I’m changing my name and moving my Frankenstein computer over there. The walk-by traffic alone will keep me in columns for the next two months … “I thought Mario Cuomo was the Mayor.” Offered one guy, sitting against a tree outside playing a bass guitar made out of an old mop and mop bucket and strung with barbed wire … “This place is really cool, but the bus never comes.” expounded another bright light. … Yes, the Lord does truly work in mysterious ways, … but, in no place are they more mysterious than in the Lower Haight.

Chronicle endorses Newsom

In a move that shocked even veteran Williedome pundits, the San Francisco Chronicle announced they’ll be backing Supervisor Gavin Newsom for mayor. “We won’t even be interviewing any of the other candidates.” said Hearst strawboss, Phil (‘the leg breaker’) Bronstein. … “Any of you punks got a problem with that?” concluded the feisty front fella.

Now, being a known wimp, I have no problem with whomever gnarly Phil wants to brand. … My readers however, wanted the goods, so I went to Eileen Left who got a copy of the Chron’s editorial board interviewing da ‘Noose’. … It’s amazing how hard they were on Gavin.

A few exerpts:

Ken Garcia: “Oh Gavin, you just look so swell. Can you tell us how you keep your hair so perfect?”

Newsom: “The old fashioned way, Ken. Just plain old axle grease and a few handfuls of spit.”

Marshal Kilduff: (getting on his knees) “Most honorable excellency, sir … what is your favorite color?”

Newsom: “Green, Marshal … like in money … and boogers.”

Patrick Hoge: “Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes?”

Newsom: “Every day, Patrick. They’re all-seeing too, you know. … It goes with being one of the sons of God, Allmighty.”

Bronstein: “I think we’ve heard quite enough, Supervisor. I can’t see how anyone can top your credentials. I apologize for the panel’s harsh tone with you, but, we practice hard-nosed, impartial journalism around here.”

Newsom: “Your values are well known, Phil. And, to unify things all together here … and to avoid the tyranny of ‘either and or’ … and in not just discovering ‘best practices’ but in putting them to use in not only the lives of all of our citizens, but even, to a certain extent, in my own life … and in finding the very best people to fill the square and round holes around this great City of ours … and to work hand-in-hand with all of my dear friends on the Board of Supervisors … those are the kinds of things I’ve always stood for … and … and, I’ll close every restaurant Gordon Getty bought me before I pay my kitchen help $8.50 and hour! … and, again, I just want to thank you for being the best gosh-darned bunch of reporters and editors in this entire room. … Cause, you really are, you know. … In this room, I mean. … I mean, I think you are.”

Bronstein: “You’re too kind, my gracious Lord. … And, uh … does this mean we still get all the advertising from The Gap and Shorenstein and Macy’s and Levi’s and the Giants and Wells Fargo?”

Newsom: “They’re yours, Phil. And, as a bonus, Jack Davis has a few photos he wants to return to you.”

John Shanley: (Taking podium as Newsom exits.) “What the supervisor meant to say was …”

OK, it was a slow weekend for news. … Oh, I guess I could have followed the candidates around and watched them gobble down dead chickens and pigs and cows and stuff like that. … Trouble is, after awhile, I can’t tell the difference in an endorsement and a threat and that kind of thing can harm a serious writer’s credibility.

So, like most of you, I just hunkered down in front of the tube and watched the best gosh-darned college and pro football using the best practices, gathered from meetings of experts and citizens’ advisory and study groups all around this great nation, only leaving to go to the corner liquor store to reload; stepping over the dead bodies of the homeless all the way there and back. … Actually, what I mean to say was …

Recall this: