Watching City Hall #188, June 16, 2003

"’Care not Cash’ is first step in final solution for homeless."
(Julie Lee speaking on 91.7 FM yesterday)
"I’ll see you tomorrow unless one of us gets what’s coming to us."
(my buddy, Jens Nielsen staggering out door)

What a weekend, huh? I was working on headlines … ‘Daly does desert, drunk and demented, demeaning da downtown district!’ … huh? … I mean, does it fly for you? Ahhh, little corny. I think half the political junkies in town sent booze to the Daly Bachelor Party entourage in Vegas over the weekend. It was champagne from Angela Alioto and whiskey from Matt Gonzalez and Frank Gallagher. Trent Rohrer sent food stamps. The Ex’s new City Editor, Adriel Hampton dropped a dime on the Daly group, contacting the Vegas press to the presence of Daly and the other San Francisco luminaries. I tried to use my SEIU connections to have the party’s food laced with LSD (hey, they don’t need to thank me — every bachelor party should have ‘Dusk to Dawn’ elements to test that Vegas promise: "What happens here, stays here!"). Nawww, Daly deserves a few rewards after guiding the Budget Committee this season. Could be he and fellow Budget Committee member, Aaron Peskin who joined him Saturday evening in Vegas figured that maybe a few hours at the dry desert gaming tables might be worth a try. Word is they lost Coit Tower playing Black Jack.
How about that Lee statement though? Like I said, you don’t have to make this stuff up. I thought I was a cold-blooded son-of-a-bitch until I started observing San Francisco politics. These people make me look like St. Francis. For those of you who have better things to do than watch the Brown/Burton machine sell the City, Julie Lee is the 4th District Democratic party hack who got Willie to run her teenage (OK, he’s older — 22, I think) … Willie took some of your money a year before the District #4 supervisor race and opened an office out there in the fog. He put Lee’s foul-mouthed son, Andrew (I like that in the kid — he writes obscene rap lyrics kind of like I write obscene, foul-mouthed political columns) … so, they set this kid up out there in the office you paid for (Bevan Dufty got same kind of office, as did Roger Gordon in 6th District) … anyway, the kid sits out there for a year handing out freebies from downtown, then runs for District Supervisor … he collects more signatures supporting his campaign than anyone ever collected and collects them faster (pay attention now, Gavin) … and … and … Fiona Ma beats his ass anyway. I enjoyed that one. … Point is, Julie Lee has a radio show or something and Willie figured he better smooch her pooch. Nawww, you couldn’t make this stuff up. … No one could.

The Newsom Plot

So, ‘Care not’ is part of "the final solution" huh? What ‘Care not’ is actually, is a brilliantly designed (though functionally useless) political campaign that cannot miss. I understand this. The reason I understand this is because I get $395 a month from the City cause I’m too old and foul and obnoxious to get a job. (I do try - just last week I sent in my resume’ to be the Principal at the Sheriff’s new charter school in the jail — a ‘friend’ said I probably lacked the moral character to teach crack heads and murderers.) Anyway, for the past year or so, I’ve been one of the numbers Newsom’s people will brag about rehabilitating.

You see, all Newsom has to do is show that the number of registered homeless people has declined due to his program. And, they will! Not because we all suddenly got jobs and apartments. Nope. What will, and already is happening, is that people will change programs to keep from getting their cash cut. I already did. All I had to do was get a letter from a friend saying I had a couch to sleep on in their place. Voila, I’m no longer listed as ‘homeless’ and ‘Care not’ made me go get that letter and go have that meeting with my case worker to switch classifications. Key here is that the City didn’t save anything. Actually, they lost by having to do extra paperwork. Also, the Department of Human Services is not above sharing information with hostile landlords about who is sleeping where. It is a dicey situation at best. Let me get down to basics. I got my twice-monthly check on Saturday and here’s how I spent it.

How h. brown spends his welfare money

While Daly romped in the desert and the City played in the warm sunshine at the North Beach Fair, I headed off to cash my check and take in the energy of the town by shopping. I strolled from the check cashing joint on Polk on down to the Farmers’ Market at U.N. Plaza. I love that market. They should have it daily. There was a guy there carving vegetables into the most amazing sculptures. A group of poor latino immigrants sat around the base of a statue of a guy who slaughtered their ancestors. Other poor people arranged their clothing and shoes for sale along the wide sidewalk next to the Bart entrance. There were only 6 tomatoes for sale in the entire market. I bought 3 of them, slightly bruised for fifty cents and took a classic streetcar to the Castro for coffee at the Cheese shop next to the the Castro Theatre (best in town — freshest & unbeatable @ $4.75 a bag) … then through the sunshine to another place for pot & then the streetcar back to the sun drenched Safeway on Church to bargain shop. … Like a normal person. … Like a normal person. Under Newsom’s ‘Care not’ I could do none of this. Under Newsom’s ‘Care not’, I’d be in line at Glide Memorial or St. Anthony’s. … Here’s where da money went.

Amount of check: $197.50

Check cash fee: around $5

Storage space: $50

Cable (gotta have for column): $40

Pot (also, for column): $25

18 lbs of cat food: $12

2 bags of cat litter: $5

2 lbs of coffee (French roast and Guatemalan): $9.50

Tip: $1

Huge roast (3 lb — on sale): $8

Big old chicken (5 lb — on sale): $4

Bottle Merlot (also, for column): $7

Box saltine crackers: (large — on sale): $2

Fresh French bread: $1

Streetcar: $1

Toilet paper: (12 pack — dbl ply): $4

3 tomatoes: $0.50



That makes: $172.00 (I think — you check it)

That leaves me $20 for cheap bourbon for 2 weeks & with what my friends throw in, I’ll eat and drink and party better than most of the gentry. Maybe that’s what pisses them off.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d like to get that job running the school at the jail and get out of the couch surfing business, but until I do … the present welfare system has been very, very good to me. With the help of friends and family, I live a very comfortable and productive life. I’ve managed to get some very powerful and evil people to hate me and I’m proud of that. That’s what I came here for. … You know … to be a part of making everything all better.

That’s enough for now. The corner liquor store is opening in a few minutes and I still have to finish Phil Matier & Andy Ross’s column and read the second installment of John King’s fabulous take on the new San Francisco skyline (‘Daly City’ I call it). I should send an obscene e-mail to Matt Smith for insulting the local pot industry. He can be so stodgy. And, did you catch Adriel Hampton’s editorial piece this morning in the Examiner … ‘Whales, dolphins suffer for our fish’? It pairs with an Associated Press piece by Joseph H. Verrengia to teach me (in a few minutes) more than I learned in school about the world fishing industry. Hampton’s editorial motivates. The Chronicle’s John King instructs and ponders. David Lazarus’ (the Chron’s best writer) … his piece in the Sunday business section on the impact of the Bush tax cuts is brilliant. … Good writers instruct and motivate. This town is full of them. They humble even an arrogant bastard like me. … Me? … If I make you laugh every once in a while … that’s enuff …

Keep your powder dry: