December 20, 2011
If you’re searching
for the world’s largest vagina
YOU MIGHT FIND IT HERE
If you’re searching on the ‘net, that is, you may be led to my Flickr shot of a hollow, fallen tree at Sequoia National Park in the Sierra Nevada,
which I captioned “World’s Largest Vagina,” or, to my Ax File “Have you met Miss Jones?” my account of the trip on which I took the picture. (When you upload a picture to WordPress it asks if you want thumbnail or full size, and, considering the tree, I did hesitate before importing a full-size vagina into my column, but you can handle it, cantcha?)
SOMEONE IS ALWAYS SEARCHING
for the world’s largest vagina, or “vigina” or whatever variant search terms combine world, world’s, worlds, largest, biggest vagina or vigina and my favorite “most biggest vagina in the world.” During my long absence from The Ax Files, My Year of Not Writing Dangerously, I may have posted only twice, but the search for the largest vagina went on, every day, relentlessly, into an infinite regression of endlessly spiraling plush velvet caverns which itself became the world’s largest vagina.
TO DATE, THE VAGINA TREE
(no, Virginia, vaginas do not grow on trees and no, you can’t “date” the vagina tree) has received 1,113 views on Flickr–that’s 1,113 instances of disappointment that it is a tree, not a vagina–more than Porno Mania of St. Petersburg, Russia (892),
and my orange rubber cowboy boots (730).
But all these pictures are eclipsed by the mysterious Chinatown drug truck, just a random “this-is-a picture-of” shot of a graffitied delivery van which to date has racked up 1,688 views–at one point hundreds a day–and then dropped to none, just like that. Go figure.
THIS GYNECOLOGICAL VAGINA MODEL
picture I recently added has generated a mere 35 views so far.
I POST THIS AS A PUBLIC SERVICE
educational tool for those who are confused about the intricacies of the female anatomy, to clarify the misperception of “vagina” as female sex organs in general. Because according to Summer’s Eve®, 70% of women themselves, much less men, can’t identify their own parts. Want to know if you can? Take the quiz! And “do your friends a favor and share this totally vaginal experience with them!” You’re about to take a trip to down under, and no they don’t mean Australia!
YOU CAN EVEN GET YOUR CAT
in on the action! Yes, even your furry friend asks, is there “something, anything, in nature that surpasses the wonder, the sheer primal awesomeness of vaginas?”
SO TO REVIEW, THE VAGINA’S ON THE INSIDE,
people. You can’t look up a Catholic school girl’s skirt and see one (especially through white cotton). Britney Spears can’t flash hers getting out of a cab. Poor Brad Chase, a lawyer on “Boston Legal” was terrorized by a date who kept telling him she wanted to take him home and “show [him] [her] vagina.” But I’m not sure one can see a vagina at all without a speculum and a flashlight or outright putting your head in the oven. (A good time to remind you that Dr. Oz cautions against douching. “The vagina is a self-cleaning oven,” says he.)
HOW STUFF WORKS, a website “looking under the hood of everything under the sun” describes the vagina as a “smooth-muscle-walled tube.” In fact you basically have to look under the “hood,” if I may (the external sex organs or vulva), to see a vagina, at least its opening. I’m not terrorizing you, am I?
BECAUSE THE AUTHOR LOVES VAGINA!
What’s not to love? After all, as a certain clever Rocky Horror gal I know puts it, “Vagina is for lovers.”
HAIL TO THE V!
So says Summer’s Eve®, anyway, in a bizarre bid to sell their feminine hygiene products as a tool for empowerment. (What would masculine hygiene entail, I wonder. Manscaping? Weed whacking?) “The power of the poontang,” Mad Men called it. Take back the vadge! It’s payday for the vajayjay!
URBAN DICTIONARY CONCURS.
The vagina is “the center of the universe. Part of a female’s body located between her legs that is reason why all wars are ever fought. If you aren’t getting it you want it, and if you are, it’s never enough…let’s face it, often times us guys don’t care what’s all around the poontang as long as it is willing to provide us access to this magical land of wander [sic].”
Sample usage: “Let’s go get us some poontang!” Perhaps they should wander on over there.
THE NET HAS ALREADY RAGED
about the Summer’s Eve® ads, and I just find them, well–totally vaginal!–so google Hail to the V to read all about it, but this tidbit I had to share, in which Stephen Colbert asks for equal time for men and their “deeply troubling genitals.”
VAGINAL PUPPETEERING IS NOT NEW.
The character in this clip is also a talking hand. Two words: Señor Wences.
AS THEY SAY,
you learn something every day. And if you learned something here in this Ax Files, you don’t have to learn anything else today. Class dismissed.
When I wake in the morning I pray,
It's up to 1,136 now.
copyright Alexandra Jones 2011