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August 24, 2009Hug me, squeeze me,try me, buy me.I NEVER WEAR PANTSaround the house, just leggings, because if I curl on the couch with my feet tucked in, my knobby knees leave pouches in the knees of my pants. But tonight I am lying on the couch in my birthday suit, because at “this time of my life,” as I described it to District 6 Supervisorial candidate Debra Walker outside Courtroom 608 at the California Superior Court, I am turning my 8” retro Restoration Hardware “hot flash fan” on and off with my big toe and “index” toe, every few minutes. I can’t wear street clothes at home. I can’t dress appropriately, indoors or outdoors—whatever the weather, the room temperature, whatever my outfit, I am out of sync. “Dress in layers,” she advised me. I’m not into HRT—hormone replacement therapy—so I just put up with the bipolar mood swings of my body, i.e., I’m roasting, I’m freezing, I’m roasting, I’m freezing. So what else is new. I’ve always run hot and cold. I remember a TV movie, “Normal,” in which the aging Jessica Lange tells her lover who asks her what kind of birth control she uses, “Menopause.” AH, YOUTH.I remember it well. A man cannot imagine the happiness (or perhaps he has his own), especially when you have never wanted children, of no more menses. Miss you!—NOT! I estimate that since my teens I’ve had 500 periods, for what now amounts to no reason. No reason except to live as a woman. The threat of pregnancy was something to dread, but you can never tell, it was a blessing as well. It must be amazing to grow and give birth to a child, but my challenges and glories lay elsewhere. I BOUGHT A SQUEEZE-BOTTLE BEARof Wine Country Wildflower honey (from the vineyards, hills and valleys of Sonoma County) at the Civic Center farmer’s market, on the lunch break from jury selection. Disappointed to not make it into the Top 12. I love being on a jury. It might be the only time in your life, the judge told us, you get to be a judge, to decide what justice is in a given situation. I would gladly have taken the place of someone who finds it an imposition or inconvenience to serve. Jury service is a fascinating interlude in one’s everyday life, and I’m due for a fascinating interlude. The honey bear wears a bib that reads, “Hug Me, Squeeze Me, Try Me, Buy Me” in a red heart. Yum. It really tastes like flowers. I alternate between sucking the honey nipple and quaffing fruit of the vine from a Warthog bottleneck. New wine with honey’d milk I bring! NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, STUD SERVICE“What’s on your mind?” asks Facebook, and I admit, “Jon Hamm in a suit jacket and no shirt on a fire escape. That could well be on my mind all night.” If I used God’s do-it-yourself kit, I couldn’t construct a man more to my liking than the tall, dark, handsome, handsome, handsome Jon Hamm of “Mad Men.” He inspired a female commentator on an awards show to use an old-fashioned term: “I’m taken with him, just taken with him.” I’d rather be taken by him. I’d like him to hug me, squeeze me, try me and buy me a trip to Paris with his $2500 bonus. Come to think of it, I did construct a man entirely to my liking, a geologist named Dan in a dangerous story of mine. He is a sexy bundle tied too tight for most women, but not for our heroine. She loosens him up, sure enough, and they go riding the cosmic train together. OH MY GOD, MY GOD, MY GOD!Speaking of beautiful men, damn, have you seen Adam Lambert’s Skingraft pal Cassidy Haley? Sex it up, buddy! Red hot CD sexology even before Adam’s debut. Maybe Adam should get with Krista Benson for his first video, she could do justice to him, I think. Lambert tweeted the link to Haley’s video, and just like that the web went sproing! and 42,000+ clicks later, he’s a hit. What can’t you do with these wild internets? THE WEB OF MANY WONDERSWhile researching the history of Aqua Velva for a story, I found this odd little tidbit by someone calling himself “finisterle,” buried in the scent-centric website, www.basenotes.net: “It’s refreshing and unpretentious. It’s a train station in the morning. It’s a pilot going through a check list. It’s a baker or construction worker who are too busy being the salt of the earth to have time for bizaar [sic] hobbies. It is real. It smells ‘Monday’ in a way that makes Rive Gauche look like a drag queen on stilettos. It can walk up to any frag and say ‘and how are you contributing exactly?’ I just bought a bottle again and keep splashing it on, totally ignoring everything else on my shelf.” The web is the world’s largest gold mine. Wherever you dig, chances are you’ll find a nugget. SOMEONE HAS THAT JOBsaid Clementine Kruczynski in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” referring to coming up with the odd names given to hair colors. I once asked my friend Stefan (Stefan Stefanicus (bot.), pointing at something, what would you call this color? “Calypso,” said he. Benjamin Moore offers a range of colors in the following “moods” or “styles”: Appetizing, Bold and Adventurous, Calming, Comfort, Contemporary, Home Theater, Masculine, Modern Chic, Retro, Romantic, Sleepy, and Warm Sunshine. It sounds like the menu at Cafe Gratitude. Under Romantic Colors, we find: Hamster Cuddles, Soft Innocence, Gentle Kisses, Candle Glow Rose, Victoria Falls Mist, Silent Arabian Nights, and a spectrum ranging from Soft Romance to Tender Romance to Deep Romance, climaxing in Pure Desire. (Clitoral Pink and Vulval Violet are out of stock due to popular demand.) HAMSTER CUDDLES?!Let’s see what the Masculine palette has to offer: Leopard Tan, Starlit Granite, Light Gray Flannel, Everglades Dawn, Dry African Mud, Himalayan Gray, Old Sheepskin, Deep Ocean, Battleship Steel, and Blue Chalkboard. Hm, I don’t like any of those colors, but it gives me the idea to finish a room in actual dry African mud and old sheepskins. IF IT WERE MY JOBto create such names, I might suggest a psychopathological “mood” palette: Borderline Blue, Bipolar Bliss, Senile Sunset, Desperate Dawn, Manic Mauve, Neurotic Neuron, Ganglionic Green, Misfiring Synapse, Passive-Aggressive Papaya, Limbic Rage Red, Narcissistic Neon, Fab Fugue State, Schizoid Scarlet, Dusty Rose Delusions, Tranquilizer Tea Rose, Paranoid Pink, and Padded Room (complements Faux Quilting). YAR!It was also someone’s job to name the fragrances Old Spice has offered over the years, in their nostalgic buoy-shaped white bottle with the sailboat on it, in addition to the original “Classic” scent. High Endurance Old Spice came in: Pure Sport, Fresh, Arctic Force, White Water, Mountain Rush, Pacific Surge, Game Day, and Smooth Blast. Red Zone Old Spice came in After Hours, Showtime, Aqua Reef, Swagger, Glacial Falls, Hydrowash, Vitality, Live Wire and Double Impact. Swagger on over here, you pure sport, and give me the fresh, arctic force of your white-water mountain rush, a high-endurance smooth blast of your Pacific surge on game day. Then after hours, we’ll sidle into the red zone and you’ll back me against the aqua reef of your glacial falls while you hydrowash me with the vitality of your double-impact live wire. IF IT WERE MY JOBand the boss told me Monday morning, we’re putting out a new Old Spice six-pack, come up with the names, I’d go with: Anger Mismanagement, Bravado Brawn, Viagra Falls, Sandblast Stubble, Testicular Toner, and Pectoral Punch. Fisterle would handle the Aqua Velva: Train Station Morning, Pilot Checklist, Busy Baker, Salt of the Earth (tagline: You Too Can Smell Like a Construction Worker), Bizarre Hobbies, Smell of Monday, Drag Queen Stiletto. I just saw a movie in which Steven Weber was killed with a stiletto to the forehead. There’s no end to the damage a woman can do, with hell’s fury, good aim and the right 4-inch shoe. Burma Shave.
The author says pick someone you adore Photo: Fidencio Enriquez http://www.flickr.com/photos/fenriquez/3743745605/ ------------------------------------------------------------ Gore me, picador me!
Hope I didn't snore you. copyright Alexandra Jones 2009 |
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