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June 25, 2009How do you become a writerfor The Onion?YOU DON’T.Not right now, anyway. They have their own staff of writers, and aren’t hiring. They don’t use freelancers. Unsolicited editorial material is neither read nor returned. Don’t call them, they’ll call you. BUT DON’T DESPAIRBecause now, The Ax Files presents The Bunion® [not in any way affiliated with The Onion®], a new occasional feature that picks up where The Onion leaves off. The Ax Files is a big fan of The Onion for their outstanding coverage of area men and women—but we feel there’s more room, in our area, for more coverage of more area men and women. There are around 247,653 stories in the Naked Area, and only one area man’s story made it onto the June 25th front page of www.theonion.com, (the one about the area man who busts his ass all day, and for what?) (Good one!) THE BUNIONis out on the streets and in the alleys, hunting, and writing, those stories down. And here are just some of them… AREA MAN SEEKS TO MEASURE AREA OF AREAArea man Dirk Rosdale, 41, inspired by his impulse purchase of some surveying equipment at an area pawn shop, set out Tuesday morning to take the area’s area. Armed with an Area Planimeter and a Distance Measuring Wheel, Rosdale started out from his driveway and walked the wheel for three blocks or so before reflecting that he probably should have researched surveying techniques on the web before he left the house. He ran into area man Pete Emerson, 36, and they stepped into an area bar for a quick beer, where Rosdale lost interest in the project. AREA MAN ACQUIRES SURVEYING EQUIPMENT FROM AREA MANArea man Pete Emerson, 36, purchased an Area Planimeter and Distance Measuring Wheel from area man Dirk Rosdale, 41, for $30 at an area bar over a couple of beers. Bartender Tom Steigerwald, 56, heard Emerson say he knows nothing about surveying, but thinks the equipment is cool, and plans to display it in his family room. AREA WOMAN OBJECTS TO HUSBAND’S SURVEYING EQUIPMENT CLUTTERING FAMILY ROOMArea woman Evangelina Emerson, 35, was overheard, outside their family room window, by passerby Jonas Lambert, 27, badgering her husband Pete Emerson, 36, for cluttering their family room with his ridiculous purchase of an Area Planimeter and Distance Measuring Wheel. “Survey? Survey what? Why don’t you go survey yourself a job?” She charged that his unused treadmill already took up enough space. Lambert then observed Mr. Emerson exiting the house with the equipment and heading for the garage. AREA MAN POSTS FLYER ON COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD OUTSIDE WINN-DIXIE ADVERTISING ANTIQUE SURVEYING EQUIPMENTArea man Pete Emerson, 36, advises area bargain seekers that a vintage Area Planimeter and Distance Measuring Wheel are available for purchase for $35 at 78634 Osage Avenue. Interested parties are instructed to just knock on the door, there’s usually someone home. AREA MAN ACQUIRES SURVEYING EQUIPMENT FROM AREA MANArea man Jonas Lambert, 27, was passing the house at 78634 Osage Ave., and noticed the sign on the door for SURVEYING EQUIPMENT, went in and checked it out, bought it, and threw it into the back of his truck. “What the hell,” he thought. And elsewhere in the area… AREA MAN FINDS OUT WHAT KIND OF FOOL HE ISArea man Christian Feldspar, 34, on Tuesday evening, had his wife Trish, 34, explain to him in no uncertain terms, how very many kinds of fool he is, hour after hour, into the night. AREA MAN BONKED ON HEAD BY STRAY NEWSPAPERJust as area man Doyle Burnham, 56, was leaving his house to head to work early Tuesday, newspaper boy Sean Howell, 12, passing on his bike, clipped him on his left ear with the morning edition. Howell rode over to apologize and Burnham waved him off with a smile. “No harm, no foul,” he laughed, using the paper to salute him on his way. AREA CAT CREATES DISTURBANCE MEOWING AT MOONArea man Willis Caughlin IV, 49, who had to get up at 4:30 a.m. to drive his wife Patricia, 38, to the airport, had had enough of neighbor Pauline Fairchild’s cat Zahra rolling on the porch meowing loudly at the full moon, and pounded on her front door Tuesday night. Fairchild, 45, startled, quickly put on her robe and opened the door to find the disgruntled Caughlin swearing at the cat. Fairchild agreed to move Zahra into her bedroom. Caughlin was sullen but appeased, and returned home to sleep for another two hours. The ride to the airport was uneventful. AREA WOMAN DISTRESSED OVER ROSS DRESS FOR LESS LACK OF SELECTIONArea woman Barbara Fortuna, 38, found the perfect cocktail dress for her husband’s company dinner, and tried on the size 6 and size 10 that were on the rack. Size 8 would have been perfect, but the salesclerk told her, hand on hip, there weren’t any more “in the back.” “What you see is what we got,” said Helene Piersall, 52. Ms. Fortuna didn’t care for Ms. Piersall’s tone and let her know she wouldn’t be shopping there anymore; however, area man Jonas Lambert, 27, spotted her going back in the next day. AREA MAN FAILS TO REPACKAGE PURCHASE FOR RETURNArea man Brad Wilcox, 41, who purchased a clothes steamer with several attachments, was unimpressed with its inferior quality and attempted to repackage the pieces in their original delivery box Styrofoam insert for return. Trying every which way to reassemble the materials, he puzzled, “It came in this box, it has to fit back in,” but no matter how he placed the items, he was unable to close the lid flat. Mr. Wilcox abandoned the project in the closet and had some lunch. AREA BOY FINDS OWN TOOTH IN HAPPY MEALArea boy Johnny Vance, 6, exclaimed to his mother at McDonald’s Tuesday afternoon, that he had found a tooth in his Happy Meal McNugget. Mrs. Vance checked his mouth and discovered his loose molar had come out when he bit into it, and had lodged in the chicken. He got a McFlurry with MandMs out of the deal, chewing them on the left side of his mouth. AREA MAN STALLS FOR TIMEArea man Bill Baxter, 29, hedged a bit when girlfriend Jennifer Lowe, 27, asked him if her dress made her look fat. “Um…I like your black dress better.” Baxter was relieved when Lowe dropped the matter, and admired himself for not lying. “That was close,” he later told area man Jonas Lambert. AREA WOMAN RESENTS OWN REFUSAL TO WEAR LINENArea woman Doris Humboldt, 48, cannot believe how many people walk around like a frumpled mess because linen, no matter how carefully you iron and starch it, “wrinkles as soon as you put it on,” she said. People don’t even smooth the fabric as they sit down. Skirts and jackets looking like accordion pleats are excused by the all-purpose “It’s linen!” Don’t people know they look like they dressed from their closet floor? Mrs. Humboldt resents that she won’t allow herself to wear wrinkled linen, because everyone else gets away with it, and she herself likes linen. “It’s cool,” she said. AREA MAN GETS TAXI RIGHT AWAY IN RAINSTORMArea man Lowell Stowe, 37, stepped out of his office building without an umbrella into a heavy rainstorm and was able to get a taxi as soon as he signaled for one. “Wow,” he said, getting into the cab, to driver Rasheed Mulawee, “that, like, never, happens to me.” AREA WOMAN SITS RIGHT DOWN AND WRITES LETTERArea woman Ruth Fiory, 41, has always wondered why you can’t twist the cap off a plastic bottle of baby powder. Because she has had a large container of baby powder for years, but prefers the portability of the junior size, excepting you can’t twist the cap off to refill it from the large one and you have to keep buying the small ones. That doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s when she sat right down and wrote, “Dear Johnson and Johnson…” Also today… FEUD BREAKS OUT IN LUNCHROOM OF WILLARD HIGHNo one knows what started it, but the attention of students and staff in the lunchroom at Willard High Tuesday afternoon, turned to Brad Drexler, 15, and cousin Hoyt Dunbar, 17, as they pushed each other and argued, “Shut up!” “No, you shut up!” “No, you shut up!” “No, you shut up!” The quarreling pair were separated by hall monitor Jeanine Peabody, 17, and the two agreed, grudgingly, to let bygones be bygones. The room quieted down into normal conversational tones, with the occasional clashing of dishes and rattling of silverware. NATIONAL: VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY SHUTS UPWhile area man and national treasure, Dick Cheney, and wife Lynne, watched Keith Olbermann’s “Countdown” Tuesday evening, Cheney kept up a running stream of critical commentary despite his wife’s repeated requests that he just let her listen already. He then belched and asked her to get him a bicarbonate of soda. She said she would as soon as there was a commercial interruption, if he would only let her listen for two minutes straight. That shut him up, for the time being. Sometimes Mrs. Cheney gets sick of his negative clank. THE BUNIONhopes you enjoyed our first installment. The Bunion welcomes emails about the area men and women from your area. The Bunion welcomes editorial content of all kinds at all times. Freelancers welcome. Remuneration nil. The Ax Files/The Bunion reserves the right to ignore any/all submissions. AREA WOMANAlexandra Jones, 54, is Editor and Publisher of The Bunion®, a not-for-profit wholly owned subsidiary of the not-for-profit The Ax Files, not in any way affiliated with any type of onion. Disclosure: The Publisher does favor the Walla Walla Sweet. The Editor is solely responsible for content, as well any lampoonery or buffoonery taking place at The Bunion. Cheers!
The author’s not going to do anything about her bunions. ------------------------------------------------------------ Got my Area Planimeter
Read The Onion and weep! Get it? Read The Onion...and weep! Oh, never mind. copyright Alexandra Jones 2009 |
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