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May 20, 2009You are an old lady!(Not you, necessarily—I am.)I AM AN OLD LADY,pronounced so on my last birthday, by none other than my own mother. “54? You’re an old lady!” Her way of saying, perhaps, how old must I be if I have a daughter of 54! Still, “You are an old lady,” is not the birthday greeting one would hope for from one’s mother, any more than she would smile at a Mother’s Day Card reading, “You are an old, old lady, love, your old daughter.” But as an officially old lady, though I’ve been pulling an old lady cart (my car) around since age 34, I was amused to find a feature on collegecandy.com—written by a young, well, I don’t know that I’d call her a lady, young or old, so I’ll identify her only as a piece of college candy named Katie, from Michigan State University—itemizing “10 Things Old Ladies Shouldn’t Be Doing,” inspired by news of 66-year-old Brit Elizabeth Adeney’s being with child. I’ll leave out the nasty ageist elaborations but here are the ten: 1. Having Sex 2. Wearing Mini-Skirts 3. Talking about Sex 4. Posing Nude 5. Dancing (anything but the waltz) 6. Using Slang 7. Enhancing Their Assets 8. Wearing Bikinis 9. Shopping at Victoria’s Secret 10. Facebookin’ HERE ARE 10 THINGSI continue to do after the age of 50: 1. Wear spandex shorts and leggings 2. Psychedelic drugs 3. Pursue my dream like there’s nothing more important 4. Admire men of any age 5. Admire women of any age 6. Fantasize about other ways to live 7. Eschew marriage as a marker of meaning in life 8. Value my friends as family 9. Honor and care for cats as individuals with integrity of being as worthy as humans 10. Tape my eyelids open so as not to miss one blink’s-worth of phenom Adam Lambert’s final night as an American Idol finalist before he “goes stratospheric,” as Jamie Foxx put it I AM NOT AN OLD LADYWhen I am 93, as my grandmother lived to, I will laugh at 54 as an idea of old. But yes, I feel my aging. I will still dance, if I feel like it, but I seldom do, and in my 30’s I always felt like it. I no longer cherish the possibility that I will yet encounter my soul-mate; it truly doesn’t matter. I have my own life to live, independent of any other. I no longer care about fitting in. Whatever group I don’t fit into, they can thrive without me, and I without them. The only people I care about are my family and proven friends, forged in the fire of time. What a relief, to not care if you’re popular or not. Really, to whom are we anchored? Friendships come and go, and those that endure are worth their weight in plutonium. You all know who you are, I adore you. You have enriched my life beyond measure. Thank you for remaining true. It’s 3:00 am. Shouldn’t an old lady go to bed? Fuck that, I still have half a bottle of celebratory wine. Adam—fire all of your guns at once and explode into space! You were born, born to be wild!
Play that funky music, white boy! ------------------------------------------------------------ Old,
There is no expiration date on one's love of life. copyright Alexandra Jones 2009 |
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