| the ax files |

May 19, 2007

Cleaning adult diapers…

was once named in a Portland weekly

AS ONE OF THE MOST UNDESIRABLE JOBS

in the city. I can hardly dispute that; nevertheless I would rather clean adult diapers than go back to my old office job, or be a Bay Area landlord under rent control, two hells-on-earth I escaped from before my butt got fried. I was trying to think of part-time jobs I might be able to stomach to bring in a few bucks. Soon after, I threw up. (Joke.)

WHEN I MOVED FROM PHILADELPHIA TO PORTLAND, OREGON

I at first worked six days a month cleaning houses in the West Hills. I could do that again. It’s clean work, literally and figuratively, by which I mean, uncorrupted by personalities, politics, ulterior motives, jealousy and competition. Often your client is not present. You do the work, see instant results, have free lunch, and leave. But I would rather save my stiffening finger joints for writing than scrubbing toilets.

WHEN I MOVED FROM PORTLAND TO BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA

the first job I had was as a blackjack dealer for a private party consultant. But I was not good at it, at all, and I quit as soon as I got a full-time job. Not good with numbers, not quick on the uptake, lousy judge of human character. Plus I don’t want to be on the service end of the party. I want to be at the party being served.

MY FRIEND SELLS FANCY CHOCOLATES.

Her customers are people who love chocolate. That’s got to be one of the more pleasant factions of the general public. I could handle that, except for the calories.

HERE’S SOMETHING I SPOTTED
on Craig’s List once:

Office Assistant

Downtown Mortgage company looking for reliable person to do a part-time position of shredding confidential documents…This job is not for someone who will not like standing in one place for three hours shredding documents.

Thanks for the heads-up! That’s one of the more appealing I’ve seen. The more mindless the better. I shouldn’t have passed that one up.

LET’S SEE

what part-time crap is in there today that I might highlight.

Trabajo de Limpieza/ Moving and Cleaning Help

I need to clean a house and take all the garbage to the dumpster (a lot of it), selected items has to be loaded into the moving truck and unloading it at the dumpster.

I’m afraid that’s it.

I AM ATTRACTED

to this header:

Make quick $25 without leaving your chair

but the payment is in the form of an American Express gift card. Bogus.

UNDER “CREATIVE GIGS” I FIND:

Please help

Hi, I’m a film director/creator/ etc…Anyway, I want information on Underground tunnels, Abandoned subways, Underground Sewers, abandoned buildings, that type of thing, for my next feature.

Now that’s right up my underground alley, except that I don’t know of any such places. Oh well.

THEN THERE’S THIS:

Making a picture of Barbie and Big Bird together

Hi there, I’m looking to get a picture of Big Bird and Barbie together. This is a gag gift and I’d be willing to pay pal anyone $20 who can photo shop something clever together. We’re looking either for a picture that conveys an old married couple (something you’d see at your grandparents house). Or a risque pic of them together - no nudity. Thanks

I’D TAKE THAT ON

but at twenty bucks it’s not worth my time. Same for this one at $25.00:

Need picture drawn… cartoon like

I need a pic drawn cartoon style, of a cougar strangling a shark or breaking it in half, hitting it with a bat, something to that nature…It is for a joke, dont have alot of money, looking to spend around $25.00.

UNDER WRITING/EDITING

I find nothing I even want to investigate. I don’t want a writing job. I don’t want to be told what to write, how many words it can be and when to hand it in. Please God, I just want to be left alone to write books, sell them, and make enough money to never again look at Craig’s List except for kinky sex. Is there anything wrong with that?

Could someone pay the author $25 to not leave this chair?

------------------------------------------------------------
Short Attention Span Poetry Corner

Cleaning adult diapers has its appeal
But in the end I'd say No Deal

Giving enemas could satisfy
But what if it squirted in my eye?

Wiping up pearl jam has got to be done
But if it isn't my own it wouldn't be fun

Scraping out ear wax?
Not for this Ax

Picking ticks out of someone's ass
A worthy pursuit but I think I'll pass

You might think I'm picky
But if it's smelly or sticky

Only two things I ask
Single-use gloves and an oxygen mask
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I just want to live sanely and decently, write, listen to Bach, and love one man. Please God, is there anything wrong with that?
5/19/07

goofcitygoof@yahoo.com